The Fish that Got Away from Aquarius

It's February. A few days ago when the groundhog saw his shadow it was my grandma's birthday on my mom's side. she died in 2000. i miss her and was thinking about her all day that day but didn't get around to writing it down cause of chores and the barrier between my thoughts and the paper. so now it is all different changed by the days.

i wanted this to be a memorial. not a morbid one like the cenotaph at home with the lone solider surrounded by wreathes that come in november and stay in some sort of disarray until they blow away. this isn't a eulogy or a column in the newspaper when you write down life in 100 words or less. this isn't a biography or true hollywood story or any of that crap. this was for me to tell her and the world that reads this that i miss her and she hasn't disappeared.

her name was bernice and she thought that that she looked like the queen cause they had the same hair.

(this was all different before. i wrote this under the title Aquarius and then deleted it out of impatience thinking that i button i was pushing would make it all go faster but it erased and now i am trying to piece it all back together but it won't go, the button is too big for the button hole and so now i am just disappointed thinking that i 've lost my words of brillance forever.

but they weren't really brillant words. no. just selfish ones where i talk about me and those that make me up and the novel that i'm trying to write but can't get past how huge the topic and there is so much more i need to know and those who know it best are gone. it was a selfish piece that you will never read and i will never read again and i guess that fate made me forget for a reason but it is still here in my head but the words are all backward and i can't put them here again. it was more eloquent than this and that is what i am always chasing, eloquence and now i am hating this because before i looked insightful and now... i don't like things disappearing when i haven't said goodbye.

this was supposed to be about her but i was about me, the other one, the fish that got away. but it ended up about me anyway.

it's over. now i have to get all pretty and go out and celebrate my birthday. my aquariusness. and what is this but swimming. )