Cleansing the Space

yes. it is a necessity to clear out, clean up, move, shift, dust, dance, lift, carry away all the things that linger, the things that you don't want, the thoughts that plague you long after the crisis. that's what i did. i cleaned the space and i cleaned myself inside and out.

and here i am. ready to take on what i need to. ready to devour other people's words and make them my own. ready to make creative the stagnant, make beautiful the ugly smudges of coffee on the pages. there is coffee beside me getting cold.

i feel young, 5 year old young. i found a picture to remember what i looked like and in it i see the thoughts that i had, so worried and so uncertain of the people around me, of what i was supposed to do, who i was supposed to be, why i was so much taller than everyone else, that much closer to heaven and yet completely unaware of this gift. it made me angry, this being different. i wanted to be a jessica, a vanessa, a jennifer, an allison, a lisa, a jackie, even a mary but not me. i wasn't ready to be me, a young girl with an old woman's name. it's something i needed to grow into. and now i love it, the other marthas and i have a link, we have a secret, you can see it in our eyes, we are the lucky ones to have had to grow into our names, to have something, a force make us grow. we are the morning glory vines, we grow so much and so fast that we have to wrap around each other before space can catch up.